From my own injured, dis-regulated place I modeled for them DOING behavior, reactivity, and intolerance for the stress of my own and their needs.

In this way, I have contributed to the distorted functioning of our society. I am no longer there in the isolated cage i built for myself…

I have learned in this long walk away from that woman that the more I honor my own needs and the more I care fully for myself, the more available I am for my now young adult children, and all the people in my life. This practice of learning about and staying in alignment with my needs, letting go of distractions, and regulating my own nervous system allows me to be a source of regulation for others. It no longer takes much time or concentration. I am no longer afraid of my reactivity and anger… regulation, compassion and a bandwidth capable of holding many people’s needs at once is an inherent part of how I move through my days.

When we look inward and spend time understanding what our needs are in order to feel full vibrant and joyful, we create for all of those in our world, a person who has depth and breath and capacity to support and hold them as well.

If we allow ourselves to run on the crazy rat race of stress, DOING and information overload - we run the risk of depleting our reserves and spending so much time in overwhelm and exhaustion that we snap at our loved ones. Pushing them away, creating a energetic mine field around ourselves that leaves them walking on eggshells.

We have short fuses.

We feel worn out and broken by the simple things that our friends or lovers require from us.

Many of us don’t even know how to “care for” or “about” our selves.

We do not know what we need to feel secure, confident, and able to engage with those around us with compassion and acceptance.

When we don’t live in a place of regulation with compassion for ourselves, we cannot do it for others. The time of the martyred parent/ friend needs to be over. A martyr is half of a codependent interaction that has led us to the place of distress, dis-regulation and reactivity we are at today.

Taking time for ourselves to stop and be

to look inward

to notice what activates us or puts us into reactive mode

what triggers me so I am unavailable emotionally to hold people around me?

This is hard work, but it is well worth it, it will change your life, change your relationships and change how you feel as you move throughout your day.

As we begin the practice of being and knowing ourselves and what we need, we open up our lives to living from a place where our self compassion ripples out to all of those around us, and we become for ourselves and for others the grounding rod and support required to thrive.

Support is available- start with the suggestions above or contact me at DogFishMoon.com my Intuitive Wellness program is a first step in walking forward.

gathering or stumble into during moments when we notice a state of grace in

our lives. It can also become a way of appreciating life through a practice of

gratitude. In a such a practice, one learns to slowly, intentionally cultivate a

perspective or attunement to gratitude which, in time becomes a way of life. A

way of seeing the world. A way of engaging with all of the experiences of your

life, as well as the people and events in it.

Taking a moment to feel gratitude, unlocks a place in our heart. It unlocks a place

in our awareness. There is beauty and delight, and something to be indeed

thankful for. This may begin as something you are only able to do once of year

during the time of harvest and celebration. However, the incorporation of a practice

of gratitude can be an important health tool. A daily practice of gratitude supports the

reduction of anxiety and depression, decreases blood pressure, improves heart health

and off-sets the effects of stress and improves sleep

(https://www.uclahealth.org/news/health-benefits-gratitude ). At first we are only able

to dip into a feeling of gratitude for the singular, lovely aspects of our lives. This is

where one begins,, but then over time, we are able to feel real gratitude even for

events that are hard to negotiate, or the learning processes that teach us about

ourselves. With gratitude practice we come to a state of being that is lighter. We are

practicing gratitude each moment of our day with each person we encounter and each

new event, challenge, engagement, interaction becomes an opportunity for practicing

the awareness of gratitude. Today I am grateful that my colleague remarks that

something was not set up appropriately before her event. I am grateful that she brings

this to my attention and that we are able to identify the system issue at hand, that I

gracefully (after an internal moment of bumping around) realize and take

responsibility for my part in the issue, that I am able to show up with love for her and

respect for the issue that she is having and navigate an outcome that will work for us,

not just in this instance, but also in creating a larger system that works for everyone

else in our organization. I did not get to this place with ease. It took a lot of practice,

and some days are harder work than others... Practicing respect for another human

and practicing honoring another persons views that are different from mine, honoring

their needs that do not seem even the slightest bit important, practicing the

opportunity to get better at engaging with others and as I look to my life. I am

now able to see how tremendously making this shift has changed my life, my

world and my experience. But it was slow. Moment by moment, when I remembered; I

tried to step back and see, what could I be grateful in this scenario?

Am I just grateful for the learning process?

Am I grateful for another perspective, even though I didn’t meet it with grace

and wasn’t able to finesse the situation?

Am I grateful just that it went to a boiling point it exploded and we were able to

look at each other and say “Wow. Let’s try to do that better next time”?

Gratitude can be a momentary thing. It can be something that you do

occasionally or once per day. However, if you embrace it and make it into a

practice it may change the way you live and other peoples experience of living

with you.

In profound gratitude.

TIPS for creating a gratitude mindset

• Take a moment in the morning or just before bed to list a few of the things/

event/people you are grateful for that day.

• When you have the opportunity to say thank you- stop for a moment and feel

thankful.

• Send a note to an individual you know making them aware of what you are

thankful for about them. Keep it simple, it can be a text/email or sticky note.

Dr Frances Malone is a local nurse practitioner and owner of DogFish Moon

Sanctuary, a Wellness Center in Poulsbo where she practices her unique brand

of coaching; empowering people in creating their best life. Her Intuitive Wellness

Coaching is individualized and seeks to address the main places where that

individual feels stuck. They may be in pain that is primarily emotional, physical,

environmental, or they are experiencing the mental health distress of anxiety and

depression and are looking for 1:1 support with effective strategies to eliminate

costly behaviors (procrastination, self-sabotage, overthinking, playing small) and

move into a place of clarity, motivation and well-being.

www.dogfishmoon.com

I reside in a culture that insists on pointing fingers at the coughing person who came back to school after being out sick for three days as the “spreader” of the illness as the “one responsible” for my now sniffly, snotty, fevered self. We have taken the concept of viral exposure and turned it into something that allows us to point fingers to all of those around us who “expose us”, make us “vulnerable” and are constantly “threatening or undermining” our well-being.

At Malone Pediatrics we don’t espouse that view.

We know, and remind each other that a virus is very smart and very adaptable and most likely we were exposed to it on the avocados at the grocery store, or on the door handle at work three days before our coworker even felt a symptom. Because we are armed with this information, and knowledge that most viral illnesses are at their peak contagion before a person has their first symptoms, we don’t even try to find out who the culprit is or spend any of our energy pointing fingers or placing blame. Examples of viruses that are most contagious BEFORE symptoms develop are: Influenza, common colds, respiratory syncytial virus, mononucleosis and covid-19. At Malone Pediatrics we know that our body’s physical well-being is the direct result of all the many small things we do in the lives of ourselves and our children to support their immune system and give it the robust ability to tolerate exposure. Everyday, all year, but with more attention during the school season. In this way we enable the development of our child’s immune system. Hopefully with only a snotty nose, an irritating, cough, perhaps a fever for one night, but experiencing the viral exposure with the interest and ability to play the next day.

So how does this work?

There are many parts of the immune system, the part that we will talk about this minute is the adaptive immune system. It is the part that is responsible for seeing and noticing a foreign particle or virus in our body and responding. The first response (if our body is two years old and has never seen this virus before) can be dramatic. This is, in part, because the adaptive immune system is learning about the antigen ( in this case virus) and figuring out the best mode of containing and eliminating it. Once the body has seen a type of virus, not even the specific one that the child places in their mouth today, just its relative, it has a library of information that it holds and will know for the next time. The previously exposed immune system will now know how to react in order to efficiently contain and eliminate the virus while also gathering more information for the immune system library. So the first time our body sees a type of virus, it will take a little longer to clear it- our symptoms may be a bit more pronounced but during that time, the immune system using the white blood cells and our lymphoid tissue (tonsils, lymph nodes, mucosal/gut lymph tissue) will learn as much as they can about that virus all in preparation for next time. The second time our body encounters, a type of virus, it knows very quickly how to respond and eliminate the virus. When we understand what the body is doing and why it is responding in the way that it is, it helps us to decrease our fear about the symptoms and what they mean for our sweet child.

How do we prepare for this?

If our child’s body doesn’t know what to do with the virus the first time, and the second time has a little bit more information. How do we as parents prepare our child for exposure and thriving through viral illnesses? Wait… what is this ‘thriving through viral illness thing”? My goal for a child is an immune system that is so supported that they can be exposed at school or play groups, get a runny nose or a mild cough for a few days without developing any debilitating symptoms (fevers that prevent them from attending school or being interested in playing, cough that keeps them up at night) and I will work with the parents over time to get us to the point where this is how their child tolerates viral exposures. Well, there are many facets of life that can be manipulated to support them. Now of course, the degree and extent to which each of these variables must be changed/supported differs for each child. Here I present the basic first steps, and at the end, I will give you specifics on how to contact me or my office to set up a more detailed viral immunity consult if you are looking for that support.

The most important place that parents can support the immune system of their children is in their quality of sleep. There are many factors that go into quality of sleep for a specific child. But increasing the number of hours that your child is asleep so that it correlates with the recommended amount for their age and is supportive of cognitive development is a first step. We aim to increase both the duration and quality of their sleep. Improving sleep duration, of course starts with getting your child to sleep at a regular time every night. So that starts with what we call sleep hygiene the first parameter of which is longer sleep duration and consistency in time, and location of sleep. So many families start a sleep routine. The sleep routine is entirely individual, for some that includes a warm bath, putting on pajamas, brushing teeth, a story, quiet music a kiss good night and their own place to rest their body. It does not include screen time. In fact, our recommendation is that all screens are off more than two hours before sleep for adults and children if we want to optimize getting to sleep and sleep quality. Then improving their quality of sleep is the next focus. There are a number of simple things parents can do try to improve the sleep quality of their children. Sleeping in a familiar location (the same room, bed, pillows etc), exposure to daylight within 30 minutes of waking ( improves body rhythms promoting natural melatonin production a bedtime), cool un-encumbering sleepwear, and minimizing exposure to dust mites are also universal ways to improve a sleep of most people (look up dust mite prevention online there are lots of great resources). If your child is a restless sleeper, snores, wakes frequently in the night is still having accidents beyond the typical potty training period, or other symptoms you have noticed- a more detailed consult is recommended.

A nutritious diet is an excellent way to support our children through the viral season. Every diet can be improved, and we are not striving for perfection here- we are trying to be sane parents who want to hedge our bets this winter by decreasing the severity of illnesses. So please take these recommendations as the guidelines I intend them to be. We can optimally support our immune systems by eating Whole Foods in a variety of colors and not giving our bodies or those of our children excessive exposure to preservatives and additives- so we want to aim to minimize them the diet. Foods in boxes and bags generally have more added substances than those that look like the original food. For example a frozen Dino bite will have more added, non-nutritive ingredients than chicken pieces cut up and lightly battered and baked or fried. French fries and tater tots will have more non-nutritive ingredients than whole potatoes boiled, sauteed or baked or fried. By adding in as many “whole” foods as possible we easily eliminate unnecessary preservatives and additives. Simplifying the diet in this way can help the immune system. Look for foods with labels you can read and recognize the ingredients as food items. Another key ingredient is hydration. If your child is in preschool or above their opportunities and interest in drinking water during their school day are limited. The fun activities and their lack or interest in ‘missing out’ curb their desire to adequately hydrate during the day. Parents can support this by ensuring there is water available to drink on the way to and from school and even perhaps an opportunity to sit down for a snack and some water with their parent or caregiver in the afternoon before we get too close to bedtime. If your child is involved in extra curricular activities it is even more important to provide water and ensure they are drinking before they are thirsty.

Finally there are a few supplement recommendations that help to prevent and minimize the effects of viral exposure. My favorites are elderberry, Vitamin D, Zinc and Vitamin C during the winter months. Elderberries are classified as a plant adaptogen that prevents viral illness when used routinely in small quantities and treats viral illness when necessary by increasing the dosage. They are also anti-inflammatory, anti-carcinogenic and full of antioxidants. Making your own elderberry syrup is easy and has less preservatives and fillers than those available over the counter. Plus there is the added ability to tailor the flavor to your child’s preference. There are many recipes available online, but many children do not enjoy the “spiciness” of ingredients like ginger and cloves.

Elderberry Syrup Recipe

1 cup dried elderberries

3 cups water

1 tsp cinnamon

1 cup raw honey

Bring the elderberries, water cinnamon to a boil

Reduce the heat and simmer until liquid is reduced by half (approximately 45 min)

Allow to cool- then strain liquid into a jar

Add the raw honey

Mix

Store in the refrigerator.

Take a teaspoon daily for prevention and more frequently when ill.

Dr Frances

Malonepediatrics.com

Consult: specific recommendations for your child and their lifestyle https://dogfishmoon.janeapp.com/#/list

Tailored adaptogenic immunity boosting tinctures and other powerhouse supplements.

A toddler is exploring the world full tilt while learning to set boundaries with their adamant “NO”. They are aware of their bodies needs and possibly interested in the needs of others, but with a perfect level of objectivity and reserve about whether those needs should take priority over their own. These little ones are learning to communicate with the world around them, but mostly they are marveling in their own perceptions, mental ramblings, sensory information and reveling in their world. The sheer delight of being. Marveling at the breeze and how it lifts their hair, and cools the drool on their chin. Intrigued by the softness of a cat and the pinch of misplaced pressure in their grip. They intuitively know to bask in the warmth of the sun‘s rays and also to fuss and fight to get out of it when it’s just too hot. They readily let us know when they have to pee, their pants are too tight, their shirt is scratchy or they’ve been sitting in a seat too long. All information lost in the corporate world, business meetings, and classroom lectures where seemingly more mature individuals are stifling the information that their body is giving them only to appear engaged, complacent and a team player.

I am glad that I am no longer a toddler with limited words to communicate my needs and wants or the thoughts that sparkle in my mind. Nor do I relish allowing others to dictate how my time flows, but alas even in the adult world this is often the case. So I try to give myself over to toddlerhood for at least a couple of hours a week. During this reprieve from adulting, the toddler in me gets to decide how it is I will spend my time. I find that these two hours of my week bleed out into many other areas of my life. They allow me to have the bandwidth for the needs of others, to hold a friend in need, to be flexible, buoyant. Over time, these forays into unstructured time in comfortable/ snuggly clothing are now a form of meditation on being. Being present with myself, grounded in my body: feeling the grass underfoot, hearing the leaves rustling, chirping of fledgling birds, hawks screeching

Watching the ant/ snail/ slug/ bee/ fly go about their busy day

Thoughts to the side

Breathing

Being

Here

May this practice center you and bring you the awareness that your needs, how you feel in your body and your environment are important to how you move forward in the world and show up for those in your life… the other 166 hours of the week.

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